““Thanksgiving Day — Let all give humble, hearty and sincere thanks, now, but the turkeys.” — Mark Twain”

““What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?” — Erma Bombeck”

““On Thanksgiving, you realize you’re living in a modern world. Millions of turkeys baste themselves in millions of ovens that clean themselves.” — George Carlin”

““Detente — isn’t that what a farmer has with his turkey — until Thanksgiving?” — Ronald Reagan”

““Thanksgiving just gets me all warm and tingly and all kinds of wonderful inside.” — Willard Scott”

““I hated cranberry sauce, but for some reason my mom persisted in her lifelong belief that it was my very favorite food.” — John Green”

““The turkey that every day greedily approaches the farmer who tosses him grain is not wrong. It is just that no one ever told him about Thanksgiving.” — Harry Golden”

““Michelle will tell you that when we get together for Christmas or Thanksgiving, it’s like a little mini-United Nations.” — Barack Obama”

““My mother is a great hunter — she usually shoots our Thanksgiving turkey.” — Kirsten Gillibrand”

““Southerners have been known to stay over the Fourth and not get home before Thanksgiving.” — Mary Ellen Snodgrass”

““Many of the guests will eventually leave the table to watch football, which would be a rudeness at any other occasion but is a relief at Thanksgiving.” — Judith Martin”

““The playoffs are the wedge between the season and the World Series. You’re forgotten by Thanksgiving.” — Tim McCarver”

““Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year.” — P.J. O’Rourke”

““You can’t get too much Thanksgiving. But you can get too much turkey.” — Anonymous”

““I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.” — Erma Bombeck”

““Thanksgiving is the holiday that encompasses all others. All of them, from love to guilt.” — Nora Ephron”

““May your turkey be moist and your family arguments be few.” — Anonymous”

““Tomorrow’s Thanksgiving. That’s the day people celebrate having food by eating as much of it as possible.” — Garfield”

““It’s not too much food. This is what we’ve been training for our whole lives. This is our destiny, this is our finest hour.” — Lorelai Gilmore, Gilmore Girls”

““What’s not to like? Custard, good. Jam, good. Meat, good!” — Joey Tribbiani, Friends”

““You can’t have Thanksgiving without turkey. That’s like Fourth of July without apple pie or Friday with no two pizzas.” — Joey Tribbiani, Friends”

““Here I am, 5 o’clock in the morning, stuffing bread crumbs up a dead bird’s butt.” — Roseanne”

““I can’t cook a Thanksgiving dinner. All I can make is cold cereal, maybe toast.” — Charlie Brown, A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving”

““I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.” — Erma Bombeck”

““Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.” — @simoncholland”

““My wife asked me to go to the grocery store on the day before Thanksgiving so I guess this is goodbye.” — @RodLacroix”

““Going to Trader Joe’s the week before Thanksgiving is like a suburban middle-class Hunger Games.” — @AbbyHasIssues”

““No one in my family takes me seriously when I ask them how many potato courses there will be at Thanksgiving.” — @michimama75”

““I love my friends. I LOVE my family. But in some ways they all pale in comparison to the Day-After-Thanksgiving-Dinner sandwich.” — NPH”

““Dear Boston Market, thank you for cooking our Thanksgiving dinner since my mother cannot cook to save her life.” — Demi Lovato”

““A very happy Thanksgiving to all. I am thankful to be with my family and tear into some major carbs and then avoid the scale for one week.” — Josh Gad”

““Thanksgiving Pro Tip: Never eat any food offered to you by an adorable toddler relative. It might look like a cookie, or piece of candy, but it’s actually the flu.” — @PetrickSara”

““You know, not many of you kill your own Thanksgiving turkey, but you might want to consider it.” — Tower Heist”

““I asked my husband to add some things we need for Thanksgiving to the shopping list. He just wrote ‘Thanksgiving stuff.'” — @oneawkwardmom”

““The secret ingredient in every Thanksgiving dish is butter. The second secret ingredient is more butter.” — Anonymous”

““Thanksgiving calories don’t count. It’s basically a federal law at this point.” — Anonymous”

““Leftovers are the best part of Thanksgiving. Fight me.” — Anonymous”

““Pumpkin pie is just proof that God wants us to be happy in November.” — Anonymous”

““The wishbone doesn’t lie. Neither does the scale on Friday morning.” — Anonymous”

““My dream is to live in the Thanksgiving episode of a ’90s sitcom.” — Anna Kendrick”

““FYI — Starting arguments around the Thanksgiving dinner table is a bad idea. Unless you’re drinking. Then it’s hilarious.” — Neil Patrick Harris”

““Before you marry someone, find out if their family drinks mimosas or runs 5Ks on holiday mornings.” — @wwlwine”

““Forever grateful, this year and every year, that my family does not do a 5K, play touch football or do any kind of physical activity whatsoever on Thanksgiving.” — @holy_schnitt”

““I wonder how long I’ll be at Thanksgiving dinner before my mom asks me to fix her computer.” — @sixfootcandy”

““Fun fact: The most powerful person in any family is the person who tells everyone what to bring to Thanksgiving dinner.” — @TheBoydP”

““I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.” — @oneawkwardmom”

““Nobody means what they say on Thanksgiving, Mom. You know that. That’s what the day’s supposed to be all about, right? Torture.” — Claudia, Home for the Holidays”

““We have to invite your parents. It’s like when the Russians boycotted the Olympics. It diminished the whole event.” — Debra Barone, Everybody Loves Raymond”

““Have you noticed that you’re the only practicing heterosexual at your Thanksgiving dinner?” — The Object of My Affection”

““I’m giving thanks that we don’t have to go through this for another year.” — Adele Larson, Home for the Holidays”

““Spent most of my Thanksgiving repeatedly asking my cousin if Home Alone was based on events from his life. He’s not amused.” — Aziz Ansari”

““Happy Thanksgiving to everyone on Grindr.” — Billy Eichner”

““Happy Thanksgiving! To all my fellow comedians, hope your family doesn’t request a quick standup show or impromptu roast.” — Aziz Ansari”

““There are two kinds of people at Thanksgiving: those who eat until they can’t move, and liars.” — Anonymous”

““Every family has that one relative who brings up something from 1987 at Thanksgiving dinner.” — Anonymous”

““The dinner table on Thanksgiving is just a group therapy session with better food.” — Anonymous”

““Thanksgiving: the one day a year we all agree to pretend we get along.” — Anonymous”

““My family’s Thanksgiving tradition is passive-aggressive compliments and spectacular pie.” — Anonymous”

““You don’t choose your family. But you do choose whether to sit near them at Thanksgiving.” — Anonymous”

““Thanksgiving with the family: where the love is real, the opinions are loud, and the pants are stretchy.” — Anonymous”

““Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.” — @simoncholland”

“Thankful, blessed, and absolutely stuffed.”

“My favorite kind of turkey is the one someone else cooked.”

“Grateful for the people who showed up. And the pie.”

“Thanksgiving: the original cheat day.”

“Elastic waistbands were invented for this exact day.”

“Too full to be thankful right now. Check back after the nap.”

“Wishing you a table full of love, laughter, and unlimited rolls.”

“May your stuffing be tasty and your family be tolerable.”

“Here’s to surviving another beautiful, chaotic Thanksgiving.”

“Gobble ’til you wobble, friend. You’ve earned it.”

“Thankful for you — almost as thankful as I am for leftovers.”

“Happy Thanksgiving! I’m already thinking about the sandwich tomorrow.”

“See you Thursday. I’ll be the one with the loosened belt.”

“Reminder: we agreed not to discuss politics this year. I mean it this time.”

“Bringing the pie. Don’t touch it before dinner. I’m watching you.”

“Happy Thanksgiving y’all! And if you put pecans in the stuffing… we fightin! — Gabourey Sidibe”

“Happy Thanksgiving everyone! About to head out on a safari. Hoping to nab a wild turkey. ‘Nab’ means ‘buy pre-sliced.’ — Josh Groban”

“When I was your age we used to sleep on the sidewalk outside Best Buy on Thanksgiving just to fight a grandma for a Nintendo Wii. — @simoncholland”

“Have leftover Eggo waffles from your Eleven costume? We’ll show you how to make it into Thanksgiving stuffing. After the break. — John Mayer”

““As per Gossip Girl’s Thanksgiving tradition, I’m trading in my laptop for stovetop. And for the next 16 hours, the only thing I’m dishing is seconds.” — Gossip Girl”

““My father was a stern man. He forbade us to participate in any activities he thought were associated with the common man. The Thanksgiving Day Parade was first on the list.” — Mr. Pitt, Seinfeld”

““Every year I try and tell you guys that no one really sings Thanksgiving songs.” — Bob Belcher, Bob’s Burgers”

““Don’t you put words in people’s mouths. You put turkey in people’s mouths!” — Joey Tribbiani, Friends”

““Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go baste the turkey and hide the kitchen knives.” — Mrs. Pascal, The House of Yes”

““It’s Thanksgiving.” “Yeah, to you it’s Thanksgiving, to me, it’s a Thursday.” — Rocky”

““Happy Thanksgiving. It’s your turn to say Happy Thanksgiving back.” — Joe Fox, You’ve Got Mail”

““I’m sorry. Did you just say Canadian Thanksgiving was, and I’m quoting, ‘the real Thanksgiving’? What do Canadians even have to celebrate about?” — Barney, How I Met Your Mother”

““Nobody means what they say on Thanksgiving, Mom. That’s what the day’s supposed to be all about, right? Torture.” — Claudia, Home for the Holidays”

““I’m giving thanks that we don’t have to go through this for another year.” — Adele Larson, Home for the Holidays”

““I can’t cook a Thanksgiving dinner. All I can make is cold cereal, maybe toast.” — Charlie Brown, A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving”

““What’s not to like? Custard, good. Jam, good. Meat, good!” — Joey Tribbiani, Friends”

““You can’t have Thanksgiving without turkey. That’s like Fourth of July without apple pie.” — Joey Tribbiani, Friends”

““Here I am, 5 o’clock in the morning, stuffing bread crumbs up a dead bird’s butt.” — Roseanne”

““Tomorrow’s Thanksgiving. That’s the day people celebrate having food by eating as much of it as possible.” — Garfield”

““It’s not too much food. This is what we’ve been training for our whole lives.” — Lorelai Gilmore, Gilmore Girls”